Dinner and a Show - Miss Manners (2024)

The restaurant was situated in an old home, and we were finally seated in a side room. There was just one other table in the room, where 12 people were dining. These patrons appeared to be quite inebriated.

My friend’s back was to the other table, so he could not see them, but these people began snickering and jabbing each other in the ribs and pointing at us. My friend has a slight Southern accent, but other than that, I cannot imagine why they considered us so amusing. We were clean and neatly dressed. These people were young adults; we are seniors.

Nothing about our conversation could have possibly interested them, and yet, after several minutes, a young man at the table said, “Shh! Shh! Listen! Listen! Listen!”

I did not have to raise my voice in the ensuing silence. I said, “I wonder why the people at the other table have decided to listen in on our conversation.” After several beats, I added, “Perhaps they cannot think of anything to talk about among themselves.”

My friend appeared to be embarrassed. I think he was totally unaware of the shenanigans that had been going on behind us. Thankfully, we were able to enjoy the rest of our meal in peace. But I feel that I could have handled the situation differently.

There was no other table available at that restaurant, and we were too short on time prior to the show to go elsewhere. How should I have handled this?

GENTLE READER: Your impolite restaurant mates were also looking for a show, and you gave them one. If they could not better disguise their eavesdropping, then Miss Manners believes they got what they deserved.

The only thing to have done differently might have been to alert your dinner partner to what was happening -- and if asked, to have feigned ignorance as to what the source of the mockery could possibly have been. There is no way to be sure that the laughter was at your companion’s expense, in any case; mean-spirited and inebriated people will look for any excuse to laugh at someone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After finishing a game of pickleball, my partner and I thanked our opponents, whom we did not know. One of them said, “It was my pleasure.” What should I have said in return? I didn’t know, so I just smiled.

GENTLE READER: Add a nod and you may consider the transaction complete.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student, and my roommate and I have majorly conflicting sleeping habits.

I have declared music as my major and have seven classes that I need to keep on top of, in addition to several rehearsals a week. My days begin at 9 a.m. and sometimes don’t end until 9 p.m. I am up and about all day long, whether it is to go to class, study, practice, do homework or chat online with my friends.

She, however, is an “undeclared” student, so she does not have as many classes, and they are not as difficult as mine. She will often sleep all day, even if it means skipping class, and stay awake all night to play video games or watch TV.

When I confronted her about this, she said she could not sleep at night because I talk or cry in my sleep and snore (which is strange, because I have roomed with many other friends and family members, and no one has ever said that). However, I have lost sympathy for her, because I do not make the decision for her to play video games all night and sleep during the day.

It’s extremely frustrating for me, because when she sleeps during the day, she wants “complete darkness and complete silence,” which means I cannot get any work done until she wakes up. I have been finding ways to get my work done, but I am starting to fall behind. I can’t keep using friends’ computers and avoiding the room I am paying $2,800 a year for, just so she can sleep whenever she feels like it.

I have been trying to let her sleep when she needs to, but I know I could have better grades if I could get all my work done on time. Am I being selfish? What can I do to remedy this situation?

GENTLE READER: Your work is falling behind because you are so successful at complying with your roommate’s demands. Would it not be possible to improve the former by allowing a modest decline in the latter -- forgetting, for example, that you promised not to start practicing before 8 o’clock? Adjusting to this or changing rooming arrangements would thus be up to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his two close friends turn 30 in the same week. My future daughter-in-law and the two friends’ significant others decided they would do a 30th birthday for the three guys at a bar -- where everyone can meet.

But it’s a cash bar for drinks and any food. Is it rude to ask guests to pay their own way? Or perhaps it’s the thing to do for the youth of today?

GENTLE READER: While it is rude to ask guests to pay for the party, the women in question are cleverer -- and less impolite -- than you think.

Miss Manners counts three hosts (the young women) and three guests (the young men). If each of the former is paying for each of the latter, then everyone has fulfilled the obligations exactly. Even if that is not literally the case, soon-to-be-engaged couples have been known to share expenses, even if they fall short of generally recognized accounting practices.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a 55+ community on a golf course. One woman, who is very heavy, always wears a knee-high or above-the-knee skirt when golfing. She is actually the only woman here who does.

When it comes time for her to pick up or put down her ball, all the men look away and the other women say nothing. It’s hard to watch. I myself do not golf, but I enjoy watching from my back porch. My husband, who does play, has a hard time if he gets put on her team for the day.

What could be said kindly to her that will make her realize that many residents and golfers do not have a warm fuzzy feeling when she golfs? I’m not wanting to hurt her feelings, but it just won’t stop. I really thought her husband would get her some pants as a present.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners understands you correctly, your neighbor is not dressed indecently; certain people are simply uncomfortable when she golfs because of her weight/appearance? Manners are not going to be able to help you, and Morals would have less kind words for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it OK to give out advice about personal appearance?

I have a single friend who is looking for a mate. Her personal grooming, hairstyle and clothing are very outdated and shabby. She’s quite intellectual, but apparently oblivious or indifferent about her appearance. I don’t think she’s considered updating either her wardrobe or hairstyle since college, well over 15 years ago.

Is there a way to be helpful without losing her as a friend?

GENTLE READER: The right time to give such advice is when your friend requests it, and the way to give it without losing her as a friend is tactfully. Miss Manners does not mean to minimize the effort this will require after holding your tongue for the past 15 years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would you advise “managing” dinner table conversations? At a table for eight to 10, I’ve found three to four conversations going on simultaneously, with cross talk creating a wall of sound. It’s rare if a single person can speak uninterrupted, even if he has enough self-awareness to be brief.

What could have been a pleasant exchange of ideas and information becomes an annoying and frustrating experience. This is, of course, irrespective of the subject matter, and only gets much worse with the usual no-nos (religion, politics, etc.).

GENTLE READER: A successful dinner party, Miss Manners would have thought, is one at which the guests enjoy themselves, possibly without doing permanent damage to the property or neighbors. She mentions this only to make the point that any management is presumably in furtherance of achieving this end.

She does not therefore understand the need to prevent multiple conversations, only to make sure that no one is excluded, which can be accomplished by the host drawing such individuals in.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)